Beyond Selidor

umadoshi gave me the age 21 for the 'then and now' meme that's been going around. I was 21 from December 2005-December 2006. These are my answers.


I lived in:

Then: I lived in a really beautiful Art Deco apartment in inner-city Sydney with my mum and my 17-year-old sister, who was still in high school at the time. The apartment is pretty much my dream home - perfect central location, lots of character and storage space, lovely views from all the windows and always filled with the noises of a busy, 24-hour city.

Now: I share a two-bedroom rented house with my partner. It's in a quiet, leafy area of Cambridge. We share the lease with an older guy who lives in the US 11 months a year, but still pays half the rent, so by Cambridge standards, our rent is extremely cheap.

I drove:

Then: Nothing! I didn't know how to drive, and got around mostly by walking or public transport.

Now: Also nothing. I've always been too scared to learn how to drive, and I can't see that changing any time soon. I realise this limits me in terms of where I can live, but I wouldn't want to live anywhere where I needed to be able to drive, in any case.

I was in a relationship with:

Then: I was single and extremely bitter about it, while pretending that I didn't care.

Now: I've been going out with my partner, Matthias, for the past two-and-a-half years.

I feared:

Then: Everything. Social situations, that I would be alone when I was older, leaving home, graduating from uni, the future, disappointing my family, whether my sister would get decent grades on her final exam (to this day, I have never had a nightmare about having to take an exam, but I frequently have nightmares about my sister having to take exams). I was an extremely fearful person.

Now: I fear not being able to finish my PhD, not getting a job (and thence a visa) in the UK, having to move back to Australia, that I'll never be able to shake this depression, disappointing my family, conflict, the future (my own, and that of the world). Basically the only fear of 21-year-old me that I've been able to shake is the fear of social situations.

I worked at:

Then: I was a full-time undergrad student, in my Honours year (so I was working on a short thesis on top of regular coursework). I also had a weekend job in a patisserie, a babysitting job looking after two (then) three-year-old twin boys, and a freelance book-reviewing job working for a broadsheet newspaper.

Now: I'm also a full-time student, but now I'm in what should be the final year of a PhD. I work as a library invigilator on evenings and weekends, teach undergrads and still write the odd freelance book-review. I also do a little bit of academic editing when people send stuff my way for proofreading.

I wanted to be:

Then: A newspaper book-reviewer, journalist or subeditor. At which 28-year-old me (and indeed 22- and 23-year-old me, who worked as a subeditor) laughs bitterly and knowingly, through the tears. Ah, 2007. I have not missed you at all.

Now: To be perfectly honest, I just want to be employed at anything that will get me a visa to stay. The only jobs I like doing are those which won't do so (apart from academia, which is almost impossible to get into), so I have resigned myself to another few years like 2007. I endured that, barely and badly, but I have some things in my life now that I didn't then, so I will probably be able to endure it more easily this time around.

This meme is really good, because I've been feeling very down about my life, but looking back and seeing how far I've come really puts things in perspective. A lot of things then were easier, but wow, I was so unhappy. It's better now. It's good to be alive in here.