dolorosa_12: (startorial)
Massive Attack was everything I could have hoped for and more. I'm not, generally, someone who gets overwhelmed with the experience of live music, but there are rare exceptions, and this was one of them. I didn't quite realise how emotional it would make me, to see the album that I've loved so much since I was a teenager, in awe at its wordplay and dark bass and vocals both soaring and cthonic, brought to life. To hear those words, that have been at once formative foundation and the armour in which I've wrapped myself for more than twenty years, sung aloud. I was lost the minute I walked out into the Tube station and saw this (as I said to Matthias, it's moments like this that I love London, that ridiculous city). And then they sang my favourite song of all time: not just my favourite Massive Attack song, but my favourite song by any artist. I've heard Robert Del Naja whisper-growl we can unwind/ all these half flaws, and it's making up for two decades of concert regrets.

(Two links that probably sum up the concert very well — a review of the show, and an interview with the band.)

We stayed overnight in London after the concert — leaving the O2 to dense, atmospheric fog which somehow felt perfectly in keeping with the mood evoked by the music, and which was still around on Saturday morning, shrouding the post-apocalyptic wasteland which is Canning Town at 7am with a vaguely Luther-ish air. After a quick breakfast in one of my favourite Bloomsbury cafes (oh, London coffee), we wandered up to the British Museum, joining the thronging crowds on the penultimate day of an exhibition on Ashurbanipal, who was an Assyrian ruler. If the self-aggrandising quotes from his letters are to be believed he seemed rather like a more competent version of the menace currently President of the US — he won the vastest empire through battles, he solved all the complicated mathematic problems, sages and soothsayers contacted him for his predictions of the future, and so on. I was mainly struck by how much material had survived — so many letters and stories and tax records on clay tablets, so many incredible carved decorative stones, and so on. As most of this material comes from very dangerous parts of the world (mainly modern-day Iraq and Syria), there is great concern for its safety, and the final room of the exhibition had a video with interviews with Iraqi archaeologists, who had worked on the exhibition and who had been trained by the British Museum in 'disaster archaeology' (i.e. working in high-risk areas with materials that are under threat), and these archaeologists are currently excavating new sites in the region, with the aim that the materials unearthed will remain in Iraq. They were all very passionate about this work, but it sounds at once very dangerous, and a race against time.

I had grand plans today for writing book reviews, and a letter for [community profile] waybackexchange, but other than a bit of pottering around in the garden (we now should hopefully have home-grown zucchini and radishes in a few months' time) and reading a KJ Charles book in the sun, I've failed dismally to have a productive Sunday.

At least I seem to have got my reading groove back. I read Tara Westover's memoir Educated on the train to and from London, which, given how much of it involves studying at Cambridge (indeed, Westover was a friend of one of my Cambridge friends during her time there), seemed fitting. She's obviously lived a very interesting life — brought up as the daughter of fundamentalist Mormons who spent most of her childhood as Doomsday survivalists, completely neglecting her education, and raising her and her siblings in a wholly abusive environment, self-educating herself to the point that she could go to university, and then ending up a PhD student at Cambridge — and if I wished that she would condemn her parents in stronger terms, that probably says more about me than it does about her.

I also read a handful of Tor.com free short stories — three on the basis of recommendations from [personal profile] eglantiere ('What Mario Scietto Says' by Emmy Laybourne, 'Cold Wind' by Nicola Griffith, and 'The Tallest Doll in New York City' by Maria Dahvana Headley), and one of the basis of a review by Amal El-Mohtar ('A Dead Djinn in Cairo' by P. Djèlí Clark). I liked them all except the Laybourne, which, given that its point-of-view character is a survivalist prepper experiencing an apocalypse, and given what I said above about the Westover book, was never going to work for me. I really find it hard to engage with a narrative that expects me to sympathise with survivalists, or which implies that they were right to prep for the apocalypse.

Matthias and I also found time last night to finish off the fifth season of Luther, which didn't work for me for a variety of reasons, the main one being that I felt the writers lost their sense of the characters, who all behaved in ways which were for me widely out of character. I'm not sure if there'll be another season, and I'm not sure if some of the writing decisions made in this one are salvageable, but in any case I was not particularly impressed.

How has everyone been enjoying their weekends?
dolorosa_12: (noviana una)
I'm pretty much an open book when it comes to talking about myself online, and so I see no point in holding back, or hiding what I'm about to say here behind friends-lock.* And I'm listening to The Sounds, which is my go-to 'Getting Stuff Done and Being Generally Awesome' music, so it's high time I got this off my chest.

1. While I do have good days and get a great deal of enjoyment out of life (my boyfriend visited me over the weekend and I had a marvellous time), lately, the bad days have been outnumbering the good quite significantly.

2. I can't sleep at all. I have very little desire to do anything. (Biggest warning sign: I lose all interest in cooking and eating, which is generally something that gives me a great deal of pleasure and has a calming effect.) And I go through the day feeling as if all light has been sucked out of the world, as if everything is broken and can never be fixed again. I feel powerless and hopeless. On the worst days, I can barely muster the willpower to have a shower or get dressed.

3. There are various reasons for this. Most of you know that I went to counselling and a group assertiveness course a couple of years back. While the decision to do this was prompted by two very specific events (both of which I've alluded to here over the years but never spelt out explicitly, although I've told a lot of people who read here the details elsewhere and would be happy to do so to those of you who are curious, via PM), it was something I'd been wanting to do for a long time and I found it very helpful.

4. However, there are various shitty things in my life - including said counselling-prompting events - which just refuse to go away. I wonder now if they'll ever go away, or if I'll ever stop feeling affected by them. What I really need is more long-term counselling, but that isn't possible until I get back to Cambridge in August, so until then, I have to find ways to manage this. After walking around in town earlier today and thinking, I came up with the following strategies:

5. First and foremost, I must make time for healthy living. I have to get my sleep pattern back on schedule. I need to make time for exercise every morning, I need to eat more fruit and spend more time preparing food. You'll notice that all these things are kind of interrelated; the reason why I haven't been exercising in the mornings is because I've been so tired from lack of sleep, and the reason why I can't sleep at night is that I haven't been exercising.

6. I thrive on lists and schedules, and I think it would be helpful to me to make a list of everything I want to achieve the next day every night and tick them off one by one.

7. It is with a mixture of regret and relief that I have decided I'm going to stay off Tumblr until at least the end of May. It's partly because Tumblr has a kind of hypnotic 'staying up with the blue screen glow' power, and I will sometimes log on there and three hours later find myself in a kind of dazed reblogging forever loop. But it's mainly because last night and today's depression has been brought on by two very specific posts on Tumblr, posts by people that I don't want to unfollow, but which upset me so much that I wasn't able to stop thinking about them all night and all of today. They were - I don't want to say 'triggering', because they weren't triggering exactly, but although they weren't directed at me (indeed, they were posts by people who don't follow me) I was so hurt by them that I have been basically unable to function for the past 15 hours. And thus:

8. I pride myself in my ability to look on injustice and horrors, to allow myself to feel outrage instead of only focusing on the positive aspects of life, but I think for the next little while, I'm going to have to turn away, to look away, to avert my eyes.** Because I know exactly what sort of things set me off, and yet I can't trust myself not to go searching for them.

9. I'm putting this all out there in the public because I'm hoping that if I talk about it publicly, it will shame me into following my own advice.

10. I have a yoga class tonight. And it will make everything better. Right?

_________________
*And it is due to my privilege that I'm able to do so. I am safe to do so. Many people are not.
**And again, it is due to my privilege that I am able to do so. Many people cannot avert their eyes, because it is their everyday existence.
dolorosa_12: (Default)
When I was younger, I used to thrust certain books upon people with urgency. I thought that if they read that book, they would understand everything there was to know about me, all I was and all I felt and thought and dreamed. I handed out copies of Pagan's Crusade, His Dark Materials, the Earthsea and Obernewtyn series, Habibi by Naomi Shihab Nye,* the cringeworthy Cecilia Dart-Thornton books. I sat people down in front of episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, clips of the Banquine act from Cirque du Soleil's Quidam, with tears in my eyes because they moved me so much, they articulated me so much. And of course, it didn't work. Maybe these people (my friends, my mother) liked some of the books, but they were never me, and they could never see exactly what it was that I saw there. No two people read the same book, and no person is able to crawl inside another's mind.

But I still do it. I still have a list of texts that I feel if a person just read, watched, listened to them with the proper mindset, they would know me completely. And they are:

The Girls in the Velvet Frame by Adele Geras
The second chapter of Romanitas and the final two chapters of Savage City by [profile] sophiamcdougall
The entirety of the Pagan Chronicles series, including (unusually for most fans of the series) the fifth book
The first line of The King's Peace by Jo Walton
The song 'Blinding' by Florence + The Machine
The song 'Kino' by The Knife
The song 'Mezzanine' by Massive Attack
The episode 'Earshot' from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
[personal profile] catvalente's blog post My dinner with Persephone
Victor Kelleher's books Parkland, Earthsong and Fire Dancer

Not particularly complicated, really. Realistically, I know that it will never work for another person. No one else has my particular set of experiences or my particular personality. And if I have to explain why the combination of these things=me, I've failed. I just know that they are. I am.
___________________
*A line of this book, 'Home was an age, not a place', has remained with me forever. It's been at least 13 years since I first read that book.

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